Sweeney Todd Parody

[Raven 'The Sweeney' Drake]

Hello everyone...

As you can probably tell from my name I am 'The Sweeney' as in Sweeney Todd. And I thought it might be funny if we assigned other people characters from the films, so, here follows my cast list for the very limited Sweeney Todd Parody!

Sweeney Todd: Raven 'The Sweeney Drake'



Mrs. Lovett: Briony Romain (The Worst Lasagnes In Hogwarts, A Little Priest, Poor Thing) Konig and Viktor Nickel (By The Sea, Wait)



Judge Turpin: Doctor Florence Nettle



Beadle: Viktoria Steinburg



Pirelli: Violeta Romanov



Anthony: Airen Auditoren



Johanna: Charlotte Smith



Toby: Alys Diederich



Lucy: Old Raven

[Raven 'The Sweeney' Drake]

There's No Place Like Durmstrang!
And
An Assassin and Her Knife

Airen:
I have flown the world, beheld its wonders
From the Ministry, to the mountains of Hogwarts
But there's no place like Hogwarts!

Raven:
No, there's no place like Durmstrang!

Airen:
Miss. Drake?

Raven:
You are young. Life has been kind to you.
You will learn.

There's a hole in the world like a great black pit
and the English of the world inhabit it
and their morals aren't worth what a troll could spit
and it goes by the name of Hogwarts.

At the top of the hole sit the privileged few
Making mock of the wizards in the lower zoo
turning beauty to filth and greed...

I too have flown the world and seen its wonders,
for the cruelty of men is as wonderous as Hogwarts
but there's no place like Durmstrang!

Airen:
Is everything alright, Miss. Drake?

Raven:
I beg your indulgence, Cobalt. My mind is far from easy. In these once-familiar streets...I feel shadows, everywhere.

There was a assassin and her knife
and it was beautiful...
a foolish assassin and her knife.
It was her reason and her life...
and it was beautiful, and it was virtuous
And she was naive.

There was another man who saw
that it was beautiful...
A pious vulture of science
who, with a gesture of his scalpel
removed the assassin from her plate!
Then there was nothing but to wait!
And it would fall!
So sharp!
So shiny!
So lost and oh so beautiful!

Airen:
And the knife, sir? Was it found?

Raven:
Oh, that was many years ago.
I doubt if anyone would know...

I'd like to thank you Airen. If you hadn't spotted me, I'd be splinched in England still.

Airen:
Will I see you again?

Raven:
You might find me if you like; around Durmstrang, I wouldn't wonder.

Airen:
Until then, my friend.

Raven:
There's a hole in the world like a great black pit
and it's filled with wizards who are filled with shit!
And the vermin of the world inhabit it...

[Raven 'The Sweeney' Drake]

The Worst Lasagnes In Hogwarts

Briony:
An Italian!

Wait! What's your rush? What's your hurry?
You gave me such a -- Fright, I thought you was a ghost!
Half a minute, can'tcher sit! Sit you down, sit!
All I meant is that I haven't seen an Italian here for weeks!

Did you come here for a lasagne, sir?
Do forgive me if me head's a little vague--
(Ugh! What is that?) But you think I had the plague! From the way that students, keep avoiding--
(No you don't!) Heaven knows I try, sir! But there's no one comes in even to inhale!
Right you are, would you like a drop of butter beer?

Mind you, I can't hardly blame them
These are probably the worst lasagnes in Hogwarts!
I know why nobody cares to take them,
I should know, I make them,
But good? No!
The worst lasagnes in Hogwarts,
Even that's polite!
The worst lasagnes in Hogwarts,
If you doubt it, take a bite!

Is that just disgusting?
You have to concede it!
It's nothing but white sauce!
Here, drink this, you'll need it!
The worst lasagnes in Hogwarts...

And no wonder with the price of meat
What it is -- when you get it
Never -- Thought I'd live to see the day
Men'd think it was a treat
Findin' poor -- students
Wot are dyin' in the street!

Miss. Littlefield has a lasagne shop!
Does her business but I notice something weird.
Lately all her neighbors' nifflers disappeared!
Have to hand it to her --
Wot I calls, "enterprise"!
Poppin' nifflers into lasagne!
Wouldn't do in my shop!
Just the thought of it's enough to make you sick!
And I'm tellin' you, them first years is quick...!

No denying times is hard, sir
Even harder than the worst lasagnes in Hogwarts!
Only pasta and nothing more --
Is that just revolting,
All greasy and gritty?
It looks like it's oozing,
And tastes like...
Well, pity

A woman stressed,
With limited time,
And the worst lasagnes in Hogwarts!

Ah, times is hard,
Times is hard...!

[Raven 'The Sweeney' Drake]

Mad Thing

Raven:
You got tower over the school, don't you? Times is so hard, why don't you rent it out?

Briony:
People think its haunted.

Raven:
...Haunted?

Briony:
Yeah. And who's to say they're wrong? You see, years ago, something happened up there. Something not very nice...

There was a assassin and her knife
And she was beautiful
A proper artist with a knife
But they transported her for life
And she was beautiful...

Drake, her name was. Raven Drake.

Raven:
...What was her crime?

Briony:
Foolishness.

She had this boy, you see
Pretty little thing, silly little nit
Had his chance for the moon on a string
Mad thing! Mad thing...
There was this German, you see
Wanted her like mad
Everyday he'd send her a flower
But did she come down from her tower?
Sat up there and brewed by the hour
Mad fool.
Ah but there was worse yet to come, mad thing...

The Beadle calls on her, all polite
Mad thing, mad thing
"The Doctor," he tells her, "is all contrite, "He blames himself for her dreadful plight, "She MUST come come straight to his house tonight!" Mad thing, Mad thing!

(Ball music)

Of course when she goes there, mad thing, mad thing!
They're having this ball all in masks
There's no one she knows there, mad dear, mad thing
She wanders tormented and KILLS, mad thing!
'The Doctor has repented,' she thinks, mad thing "Oh where is Doctor Nettle?" she asks... ...He was there alright! Only NOT so contrite!

She wasn't no match for such craft, you see
And everyone thought it's so droll!
She figured they had to be daft, you see
So all of them stood there and COWERED, you see
Mad soul! Mad thing!

Sweeney:
--NOOO!! Would NO ONE have mercy on her?!

Mrs. Lovett:
So it IS you! Raven Drake!

Sweeney:
NO! Not "Drake" -- That woman is dead. It's "Todd" now, "Sweeney Todd." And she will have her revenge!

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